April 2nd, 2006 (04:00 pm)
current mood: tired
current song: beautiful disaster
so it's been a looong time since i've really posted anything, and unfortunately, my first substantial post in a long time will be a fierce rant about my parents. so here goes:
on friday night, i drove straight from a 45 hour work week where we were (too much alliteration, i apologize) learned how to make all the cafe drinks and such. very long, very hard, fun, but looong and exhausting. i was TIRED. and driving 2 hours to grayslake directly after work didn't help things. at least my best friend erin came with me, otherwise, i'd be sleeping on the side of the road. so i get to my parent's house, and it's about 8pm or so, and the whole reason why i even came up there was for a dress fitting for 2 of my bridesmaids which was scheduled at 11am saturday. pretty much right when i get to the house, my dad tells me that i need to wake up at 8am on saturday because (since i haven't had medical insurance since january which my mom and i both knew but apparently my dad didn't although it's his insurance that we used, go figure) he payed for a temporary coverage plan for 3 months and i needed to go to the guy's office in waukegan (20 or so minutes away) before noon. but my dad had an appointment at 10, so we had to leave early. here are my problems with my dad's generous decision to pay for this temporary coverage:
1) starting may 1st, i'm covered by my new job.
2) i didn't ask him to do this for me.
3) i was not about to wake up at 8am for something that i didn't want to do.
oh well, bla bla bla yada yada yada, i said i'll do it. he paid for it, whatever. whatever will shut him up. okay, so i'm talking to both my parents in their basement, me and my mom on the couch, my dad on the chair. after awhile, we get on the topic of my impending wedding showers. the first of which being at their church in april. my mom says something to the effect of, "you can't wear jeans. you have to wear a skirt." okay...yeah...thanks for that bit of info. brush it off, whatever. "yeah, i know", i say back. she then tells me again and again that i need to look nice or whatever, me replying each time that i understand and will do so. trying not to get offended. but then my patience ended. "does the fact that in less than 2 months i'll be someone's wife not make me an adult to you? i'm just wondering. at what point am i an adult to you?", i say, very proud of myself for not releasing my emotions earlier on. they both then tell me that, yes, i'm an adult, but they want me to know what to dress like, my mom asking me, "how many church showers have you been to?" very condescending tone. "uh, none, but i know how to dress", i reply. my dad then proceeds to go into his very tiresome and, might i add, insulting, lecture about dressing for success and how he's talked to tim about this (the rest of the conversation now being about how tim dresses). okay, whatever, i'll listen again and again to the same annoying shit until my ears bleed because you're my dad and i love you. fine. but it started to get a little old after 20 minutes or so, so i think i said something like, "can we please not talk about this? i'm sorry, i'm just really tired from my long week and i'd rather not spend my time with you talking about this". my mom then turns to me and says, "oh we're talking about it". what?!? why?!?! i have only one fucking night to spend with you and this is how you want to spend it? what the hell for? just to piss me off and make me really REALLY appreciate what it's like to not live with my parents anymore? "this is because we love you and care about you", she tells me. "well if that's true do you also care about me enough to please stop talking about this because it's really making me angry", i say. my dad then throws up his arms, flustered, and says something like, "you know, fine, fine. we're done. i can't get through to you. so fine, we're done." YES, i'm thinking, it's about damn time. then my mom starts up again, this time it's all about tim's pants or something, how they're dirty, bla bla, then she says this gem, "pretty soon you're going to be his mate and as his wife it's your responsibility to make sure he looks nice and doesn't leave the house looking ragged". AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH....
so then i say, "why is it my job? why can't he do that for himself?" this gets my dad very VERY frustrated, arms flying up, "you know what, Jill, we can't get through to her, so what's the point?"
yeay, it's done.
my mom starts up again about tim, same shit, worse and worse. so i get to the point where i say, "i'm just going to go up and go to bed because it's late and i'm tired, and i DON'T want to talk about this". "oh no you are not going up", my mom says. "what are you going to do?" i ask, "what can you do?".
it goes on and on this way, now i say that instead of going up to bed that i'm going to drive back home to dekalb. "what about tomorrow?", my mom asks. i tell her that i don't need to be there for that, which gets her going good. (side note: my mom gets very angry when i mess around with wedding stuff. PS: it's my fucking wedding. mine and tim's. not mine, tim's, and jill's. just a reminder)
so then my dad is saying some shit about how he knows that tim is very very smart but if tim keeps dressing the way he does then i'm going to suffer because tim won't make money. that's my paraphrase, but it's basically his point. and how he has a friend who is "a really nice guy" but dresses poorly and now he's not making a lot of money or something. he also has the audasity to say that he's "gotten comments" about tim's dressing. i say, "it's a good thing that tim isn't going to spend much time with those people then". i mostly sat with my eyes focused on the floor, or anywhere not directed at either of my parents and shook my head back and forth. "i'm just going back to dekalb". "no you're not, you need to respect us", my mom says. "what about respecting me?", i ask. "i'm your daughter and i'm sitting here begging you to not talk about this anymore". nothing. still talking on and on like robots. then my dad makes a mistake.
he whips out this bible verse, proverbs something, and it's basically saying that you can give someone advice but if they choose not to use it then they will pay consequences. i wish that tim was able to communicate with me at that time, because later, he reminded me of a passage in matthew that my dad needs to read:
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will WEAR. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than CLOTHES? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28"And why do you worry about CLOTHES? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was DRESSED like one of these. 30If that is how God CLOTHES the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we WEAR?' 32For the PAGANS run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.~
like it would make a difference. the bottom line: my parents are too set in their ways to change. ever.
so back and forth, back and forth, until a final time i say that i'm going to dekalb and my dad throws up his arms, stands up and says, "why do i bother? why do i bother with the insurance? why do i bother at all?" and goes upstairs.
the funny thing is, i tell my mom now that i'm proud of how i handled myself, very calm, and the key thing is, very HONEST. i told them how upset i was, up front, which i didn't used to do. and i was calm because of it. very free. my mom then says, "good" in a sincere way, meaning that she probably didn't understand what i was saying.
i told my mom that if things got worse, both sides (my parents vs me and tim) would both have a lot to lose financially. tim and i would have to pay for our wedding, and my parents would lose their deposits. i threaten her with this. she tells me not to tell my dad, i won't, but i mean it. don't push me too far.
i'm at the point where i'm very grateful for all that my parents have done for me, which is A LOT. but at what point when all that is held over your head can you feel like, "i don't care anymore"? which is how i feel. i don't care. don't care. thank you very much, but i don't care.
so that's that. i don't care. soon i'll start my new family, and i love my parents, and understand that they simply do not know better, but that's it. i don't care. done.